Hilary Bockham passed away on Thursday 16th December 2021 aged just 67 following her diagnosis with mesothelioma in April. She had been given between three and 12 months to live, with treatment maybe the hope of a little longer. In the end she was cruelly taken within nine months.
Hilary was a remarkable woman who influenced and touched the lives of many. I could only hope to skim the surface in my telling of her incredible life. She was a woman with many stories which she loved to tell, she was a fabulous raconteur. In her lifetime she was teacher, mother, lover, partner, adventurer, singer, musician, artist, muse, stand-up comic, fashion designer, art historian, tour guide and the best friend you could wish for.
Meeting Hilary
Part One
My first encounter with Hilary was in the very early 80s. She became my form teacher at Cornwallis School, Maidstone, Kent. I vividly remember that first day, her walking into the classroom, wearing a blue denim pencil skirt with red-piping and red high heels and at the time a mass of frizzy hair, oh and the bright lipstick and pencilled eyebrows - always her trademark. I thought at the time “wow” and I still think this now. Wow, because I had never seen such a confident sassy stylish woman. She owned that classroom, actually I think she owned everything she did pretty much. I relayed this first memory of her through a voicemail that her partner Harry kindly played to her in her final days.
She became my English teacher and at that time I had a furiously rich imagination and I adored her so much that I wrote reams. Stories filled with rather adult themes but aiming to get A+ all the way. Yes, I think I had that schoolgirl/teacher crush of course, but more than that, the way she spoke and phrased things with such eloquence and intonation. It was just inspiring. I would often stay behind after class and chat with her. She would tell me about her days at University in Liverpool. How her writing was on the cover of a 45” by Echo & The Bunnymen, showed me photographs of the wedding she attended (Suggs from Madness). How she had popped out to get married in her lunch hour. That she was in a band. She was like a real life star, sitting in this classroom, talking to little old me, in this not so good school in mid-Kent. I felt blessed.
We continued these chats for a couple of years until the day she told me she was leaving teaching to try her hand at fashion-designing. I recall sitting beside her watching the end of year sports day, knowing that I could do more than this school was going to give me educationally thanks to her words of wisdom. I gave her a plant to say goodbye, and she gave me her address in Chatham not far from where I had actually been born. We did exchange letters briefly but then she was gone and I ventured out into the world.
Part Two
By 2006 I had re-located to Oxfordshire. I had moved away from my friends and family and was feeling a little adrift. I thought about Hilary as I had on and off through the intervening years and as I was sitting in front of my computer wondered what would happen if I just googled her name. So I did. Her name popped up as docent for Context Rome. Rome? Could it be her? Overseas? I wanted to tell her just how much she had influenced me, so I wrote an email to Context and asked them to forward it to Hilary, hoping it was actually her. I didn’t know if she would remember me, probably not, but I wanted to thank her.
The next day I received an email back from Hilary. She said she had been floored by my message and that of course she remembered me. Well, we subsequently exchanged many emails and I decided to take a four day trip to Rome to see her. A bit risky, as we could have actually not really reconnected face to face. After all, this was now a few decades on. She met me at my hotel and like that (clicks fingers) we were chatting again. It was fabulous. I visited Rome several times after that. Each time we would talk endlessly about so many things. She showed me Rome through her sparkling blue eyes. We spent one dashingly magical day visiting all the Caravaggio paintings in the City (my favourite painter). We passed midnight sitting on a blanket on one of the concrete blocks in front of the Colosseum, smoking a few cigarettes ( we both stupidly smoked then) and marvelling at the wonder and horror of Roman life and how we exist now in the modern world. We would debate into the early hours, we discussed depression and how we all experience the dark waves that wash over you and how you survive those times. She would tell me her stories. We were connected again.
We spent some time together when she visited Manchester, by then I was working up North and had bought a small apartment in the city centre. By 2012 I had met Muriel, a French woman who lived in the small mill town of Colne in Lancashire. I subsequently moved to Colne and we got married. Hilary couldn’t make it to the wedding but later we had a lovely dinner in the Manchester sunshine together (it doesn't always rain). I’m so glad they met.
With Brexit looming, Hilary joined me as a keyboard warrior, as I tried vainly to fight for the freedoms of the EU. I then threw in my lot and re-located to France with Muriel when the fight was over and the dreaded Withdrawal Agreement reached. Hilary and I were now part of the British in Europe, a somewhat strange situation post-Brexit.
How Hilary owned Death
This is the hardest thing to write but this formidable woman really did embrace her life in the face of death. Just before Easter 2021 Muriel and I had been attending an art webinar that Hilary was holding about the life of Artemisia Gentileschi, which of course was fascinating and hugely entertaining in its presentation. We noticed that she was coughing a lot. She remarked upon it herself and was drinking a lot of water. Not long after this she was referred to the hospital for a scan. She thought she would walk out with a prescription for some antibiotics but instead she was kept in and emerged a week later with a Death sentence. She sent her friends a message telling them of her diagnosis. Now this was very upsetting and distressing for her, her partner Harry, her family and her friends but she stood at the doorway of Death and stared hard at it. She knew it was coming but was determined to live each day she had, she took the ups and downs that came along with this, but more importantly she accepted her fate and in true unflinching Hilary style took us along her journey with it.
Hilary created a WhatsApp support group of her friends and some family members. It would not be for everyone she said and indeed there were some gruelling times. The Group became a community created by Hilary and all loving Hilary. She updated us every few days with messages and video clips, talking about her treatment, documenting the ill-effects, talking about her pleasure at resting and reading, entertaining us with little stories and wry jokes, talking proudly about her boys Jack and Stan, marvelling at how wonderful Harry was, playing her ukulele, dancing on the terrace of her apartment. Showing us stunning views of Italy and her plot in the non-Catholic Cemetery in Rome where she wished to reside at the end. Harry and Stan created a Go-Fund me page so they could raise money to purchase the plot and achieve her last wishes. The money was raised in a matter of weeks. Such was the love and generosity of those that wanted to give back to her in some way.
We saw her smiling, crying, being sick, laughing, swearing, being angry, frustrated. She posted clips of the mad patients she had the misfortune to spend time with during her hospital visits. She could look tired, fed-up, angry, distraught, mischievous, she recounted the story of the Watermelon Eyed angry woman she was once called, she thanked people, she called out chemo as a bitch, she decided not to take certain treatment, she really did carry us through every part of her nine month walk down towards the final door at the end of the corridor. She posted a last video a few days before she died, it was obvious she was in a really bad way. Yet she wanted to give us all one last gift. She smiled at the end of the video and posted an audio clip of her singing Harvest Moon recorded in October with her ex Husband Russ, his wife Saskia and Harry. It was heart-wrenching but beautiful.
I had some fairly major surgery on Thursday 16th Dec 2021 and all the while I was undergoing the procedure I was thinking about Hilary and knowing that if she could handle facing death I could handle facing pain and discomfort now and for the year to come. She gave me strength and inspiration. I had also remarked to Muriel a few days before that I had a strong feeling she would pass on this day.
The WhatsApp Support group/community is still going strong as we support each other and Harry in these dark days. I hope it morphs into some kind of fundraiser for Mesothelioma and I’m sure it will. I hope to get to Rome for the service when her plaque is placed in her plot and read the epitaph she will have written.
Because I’m still in love with you….On This Harvest Moon.
Her Stories
There are so many tales of Hilary. Her friends all have their own to tell as well as being able to relay the infamous Hilary stories. In brief, here are a few, in no particular order.
Adventurer
Hilary took a semi-solo drive road trip through Australia, she bought an old van and a camping stove, shoved a mattress in the back and off she went. I say semi-solo as I believe she met or was joined part way through by some guy (I forget his name) who later turned out to be on the edge of murderous and who took her van and abandoned her in a small town in the arse of nowhere where she then had to work odd jobs to pay her way back to civilisation. During this trip a stand-out moment was when she parked by a swimming hole. Some young lads were jumping off the cliff, daring each other to go higher. After a short while of joining in with them, they pointed to the highest ledge and dared her to jump. Hilary took challenges head-on. She climbed to the top and jumped landing somewhat awkwardly and with great force. She told me that she seemed to be in the water for the longest of times and thought she would not come back up. She did surface after some frantic swimming to the applaud and admiration of the young men. She hid her anxiety that she had nearly not made it and the next day was black and blue. She took this as a warning to herself, perhaps a look inside yourself before you leap…
Singer
Hilary was a singer in the band “The Delmonas”. They released a couple of albums, Dangerous Charms being the first, and appeared on Belgium tv with their song ”Feel Like Giving In”. The link below is to their television performance. Hilary’s voice is the one you can really hear. The band emerged from the Medway scene and was formed with her then bf/husband Russ Wilkins with Billy Childish - the infamous Medway Art Poet who dated Tracey Emin and was a main name on her art work tent “everyone I have ever slept with 1963-1995”. Note: Destroyed in 2004 when the Saatchi warehouse caught fire.
Hilary recalled that Tracey used to hang out with them and she met up with her briefly years later at an art exhibition in Rome.
The song “Dangerous Charms” was used most recently in the Killing Eve TV series.
Musician
Hilary continued to sing throughout her life, right up unto the end in fact.
When she found out about her mesothelioma she decided to teach herself the ukulele, yes you heard that correctly, the lady was facing certain death and yet she still chose to learn new things. She loved that little uke, and was so thrilled when she managed to make her own rendition of River by Joni Mitchell. Below is the link to her playing her ukulele and singing it on YouTube and it’s a fitting way to remember this lovely talented lady. It really is a lovely version.
Fashion Designer
In the 80s Hilary struck out on her own as a fashion designer. She became incredibly successful with her outfits being worn by Jerry Hall, Marie Helvin, and the girls from the pop group Bananarama amongst others. She was featured in Vogue and Elle and received praise from Vivienne Westwood. She specialised in knitwear and was still designing outfits in the later years, noticeably her beautiful petticoats with many frills. She really did have an eye.
Teacher
The skinhead and Miss Bockham
In Cornwallis School, a few years above me, was a notorious skinhead Steven A. He was a nasty piece of work for sure. Remember, this was the 80s and skinhead, punk, two-tone, it was all the rage. Well, he mouthed off to Hilary during a class and she told him to get out of the classroom. I wasn’t there but I expect she told him off too. He walked right up to her, toe to toe, full of venom, he was on the edge of lamping her one, she could feel it. She stared at him, he stared back, but she would not back down, eventually he did, sloping and snarling his way out of the classroom.
She was not an advocate of violence but she was fucking strong when faced with it.
Photo taken by myself, probably around 1980
Comedienne
I never got to see Hilary doing stand-up comedy in Rome, but I do know she was naturally incredibly funny and friends commented that she was pretty good at it. I mean it takes guts to stand in front of a room of strangers, be funny and make people laugh.
This photo isn’t from one of her gigs but does show her natural comedy at work.
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